Beatles 65
by RGoodfellow64
Summary: Moments in time after the Season 3 final episode. Through the eyes of those involved, Josh, Jim B., Lanie, Rick, Kate and Alexis. Chapter 8, She's a Woman, now completes the arc.
1. Chapter 1, No Reply

Beatles 65

by RGoodfellow64

Chapter 1, No Reply

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Disclaimer: Short and sweet, I don't own Castle or anything about the show or stars, nor do I own the Beatles, their music or anything else other than stuff a whole lot of other fans also have. This is strictly for my own entertainment and hopefully for yours and never a penny, or farthing, passes my hand.

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_**I tried to telephone / They said you were not home / That's a lie…**_

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He stood watching the building and wondering when everything went wrong. She was there. He saw her go in that door, yet every time he called, it always went to an answering machine or he was told she wasn't home.

How could she not be home? She was still recuperating, and no one, not even her, could heal so fast. It took everything he had to stand back and watch as she slowly took each step to the front door the day she left the hospital. He saw the intense concentration on her face as she forced her body to follow her will and climb those three steps.

Three steps, that's all they were, but it took her almost twenty minutes to climb them and rest before she entered the building. Most of the time her face was turned to the ground, watching her feet as she forced them to move, but he could clearly see the agony on her father's face as she slowly made her way up to the door.

He would have given everything he has to exchange places with him at that moment. To be the one she leaned on, that she relied on to help her…even if it was just a hand on the elbow rather than an arm around her waist or shoulder.

Hell, he wanted nothing more than to pick her up and carry her to her bed, but instead here he was, standing outside, across the street and away from her eyes. Hiding. Lurking. Spying? Was he really spying on her? He had no idea. He just knew he wanted to be with her and desperately needed to know what went wrong that she won't see him, or answer his calls.

'At least she's not with _him_', he thought as he watched the windows for any sign of her. Just the thought of him being near her, or talking to her, or even writing to her made his chest ache. He actually heard himself growl and wondered for a moment where that came from.

He was jealous, he admitted that to himself, and wondered if she knew. If she realized his hatred for the other man in her life. He's been here for days on end however and hasn't seen him at all. The few times she's left the building she was with her father and they only went to the doctor and back.

He wondered if he had the courage to go up to see her the next time her father went out for food, although the last time they went out they came back with bags from a local store.

He punched his left hand into his right in frustration. He was tired, he was angry and he desperately wanted to see her. Desperately needed to see her, talk to her, be with her.

He took his phone out of his pocket, pressed two keys, and watched as her photo came on the screen. Funny how a year ago he never thought he'd be here, needing her so much, wanting her so much. As he looked at her photo, a message came through telling him he was needed. He had to leave and he didn't want to.

Sighing, he pressed the call button on his phone, dialed a number and listened as it rang. On the third ring it was answered by her father, "Hello?"

"Hello, Mr. Beckett. Can I speak to Kate?"

There was a long pause as he heard a hand go over the receiver and then the same words as before, "I'm sorry Josh, she's not at home now."

He sighed and after asking her father to let her know he called he disconnected the phone and put it back in his pocket as it buzzed again. He had to leave, the hospital was insistent.

He looked at her fathers building one more time and saw movement in one of the windows. The curtain was closing but he knew that face. It was her.

He turned and walked back up the street where he'd parked his bike, feeling his phone buzzing a third time from the hospital. He only wished he knew why she wouldn't talk to him, what it was he said that made her break things off and walk away.

If only she would talk to him. If only she would see him. If only…

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**AUTHORS NOTE:** **I never did a 'song fic' before and I guess this falls into that category. The tune for No Reply kept going through my head and I couldn't shake it, and when the above line stuck out from the others, I couldn't help but write. As you can see this fic takes place at the end of Season 3. We don't know what specifically happened between Kate and Josh (although if you want an idea…insert blatant plug now…read my story "Moving On") or how they actually broke up, I thought it would be interesting if Castle wasn't the only one wondering what the heck happened.**

**I will be using lines from only the songs that John Lennon and Paul McCartney wrote for the Beatles 65 album. My one great hope is that after I write these chapters the songs will stop going through my head! Man that's frustrating.**


	2. Chapter 2, I'm a Loser

Beatles 65

by RGoodfellow64

Chapter 2, I'm a Loser

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Disclaimer: Rather than repeat myself just see the long winded, short and sweet version at the beginning of Chapter 1.

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_**Of all the love I have won or have lost / There is one love I should never have crossed**_

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"Davidson," he said as he answered his phone. He listened for a few seconds and said, "No thanks Benny, not in the mood," before he disconnected the call.

He finally stopped going to her fathers house but only after she wasn't there any more. She was gone. She and her father left for somewhere and he had no idea where she was, he only knew that his calls no longer went to voice mail but were blocked. He could always call her from another phone but there was no use. She was gone.

One day he was visiting her in the hospital, helping her make arrangements for her release and the next he was out of the picture. No idea what he said or did to cause the change, just that she suddenly pulled away from him with no reason why, no explanation, nothing.

A month had gone by since she left the hospital and his life. An entire month without her. He'd gone longer than that before, he was in the Congo for six weeks earlier in the year and was in the Sudan from early December through New Years. She never had a problem with that till the trip to Haiti a few months later and he canceled that one. He stayed for her. He made a sacrifice for her, a big sacrifice, but it obviously wasn't enough.

He looked at the letter on the coffee table in front of him, Doctors Without Borders wanted him back, but he had no ambition, no desire to go. This surprised him as he always felt a thrill at the thought of going to another country and helping those in need. It was one of the things that she…Kate. "Kate. Dammit her name is Kate!" he said aloud as he continued to think about the strange turn his life had taken.

He looked at a photo on the corner of the TV stand. He and Kate in their leathers and sitting on their bikes, big smiles on their faces as they looked into each other's eyes. Every time he looked at that photo he wondered where that love went, or did she ever really love him at all?

He remembered the time before his Sudan trip. It was his last night before he left and he'd been working two weeks straight. They'd only had time for a few phone calls because of their jobs and it was the first time they had to be together. He'd been looking forward to a proper send off but instead they were sitting on the bed looking at her laptop when the phone rang. _He_ was calling and she immediately left to work on the case. When she finally returned to her apartment, he was getting ready to leave for the airport.

Josh looked at the photo and thought of all the other times when she was called away by her so-called partner. When she would up and leave him high and dry, she didn't even make the Valentines dinner date he'd planned, although she did try to make up for it later. Still, now that he started to think about it, there didn't seem to be as much caring for him as he had for her.

He looked at the photo on the TV stand again and this time looked at his own face. You could easily see as he gazed at her how wide the iris in his eyes were. He was definitely into her.

Then he looked closely at her face and saw the difference. She was happy, and you can clearly see she was having fun, but looking at her eyes he saw her iris' were much smaller than his.

He was getting nowhere and needed to relax; he picked up the remote control and turned on the TV. Flipping channels, he finally stopped at one of those entertainment shows. Good. Nothing to think about, just mindless chatter about people who think they're important.

He watched for a few minutes when suddenly _his_ name was mentioned. Josh sat up straighter in his chair and turned up the volume to hear what the reporter was saying.

"…**ard Castle's newest book, 'Heat Rises' will be on store shelves this September, less than two months from now and the pre-publication sales are through the roof! Mr. Castle however hasn't been seen much as he is still working with the NYPD to find the person who shot Detective Katherine Beckett, the officer who inspired Nikki Heat…"**

He turned off the volume. He stared at the cover of the new book and recalled how upset Kate sounded when she complained that the woman on the cover was nude. Thinking back on it Josh recalled that she always had one of his books, usually the Nikki Heat books, on her nightstand, and the bookcase in her bedroom was filled with his books. There had to be over twenty of them by the looks of it.

He looked at the photo again and sighed. He never stood a chance and she didn't even tell him why, but somehow he knew.

He was off for the next three days and maybe he needed to get out. He picked up his phone, pressed a few buttons and waited a moment listening to a phone ring. When it was answered he said, "Hey Benny, I changed my mind."

A few minutes later he was putting on his leather jacket and heading to the door. He looked at the photo by the TV one more time, part of him wishing he'd never met her and the other wishing beyond anything he'd ever wished for that they were still together.

He reached for the doorknob and thought how hard it was going to be to get over her, but maybe if he drank enough tonight it would be a start.

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**AUTHORS NOTE: I have always thought that Josh had stronger feelings for Kate than she did for him, especially after the dirty bomb incident; after all, as season 3 progressed, it wasn't only Castle who was upset when Josh called and interrupted a Caskett 'moment'.**


	3. Chapter 3, Baby's In Black

Beatles 65

by RGoodfellow64

Chapter 3, Baby's in Black

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Disclaimer: You know something? It's so much simpler just to say check out the disclaimer at the beginning of Chapter 1. Sooooo, go there for any disclaimer information.

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_**I think of her / But she thinks only of him**_

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Jim Beckett looked over at his daughter and winced. Nothing showed on his face, but inside he was feeling the helplessness of watching his daughter, his little girl, fight to get enough strength to open a can of coffee.

'Thank God,' he thought, 'the cabin is only one story.'

He watched as she finally opened the can. Although it was plastic, it was difficult to open the lid for the first time, which Jim knew from personal experience. And now Kate refused to let him help her. Refused to let him do anything for her. She had to do this on her own.

As he watched his daughter struggle to make coffee, Jim couldn't help but beat himself up for causing the loving, open girl who left for Stanford to turn into the closed, angry, lonely woman before him now. If he hadn't been weak. If he hadn't allowed himself to drown away his pain with alcohol. If he had been there for her rather than make her be there for him.

As he did every day since he became sober, the first thing every morning was to apologize to Johanna for all the damage he caused.

He cleared his throat and said, "Morning Katie. What do you want for breakfast?"

Kate looked up and he saw a light sheen on her forehead, letting him know just how much it took out of her to open that simple can of coffee. "Not really hungry Dad," she replied with a forced smile, "Think I'll just have some coffee."

Jim nodded his head and ignoring her words, walked into the kitchen and pulled out some eggs and sausages from the fridge. He took the fry pan out of the oven where he kept them when not in use, then he turned on the old gas stove and said, "Two eggs and sausage coming up…do you want some toast with that?"

Usually Kate would sigh in frustration and not say anything, but just the way her dad said those words, and the way he just ignored what she said reminded her again of Castle. For a moment, she looked into the kitchen and imagined him standing there instead of her dad. Trying to take care of her. Trying to do the things for her that she has to do for herself in order to heal, but that treasonous part of her added, trying to love her.

Just like that, she felt that overwhelming sense of failure for running away that she felt every day since she sent Castle away. The moment he stepped out of her hospital room, she wanted desperately to call him back, but she knew she couldn't do that to him. Someone was out there who wanted her dead and she was never going to allow him to try to get in front of a bullet again.

Jim had been busy putting oil on the pan, then cracking open the eggs and placing them in a bowl before turning to look at his daughter. She was simply staring past him at the stove, and he knew that her mind was once again on Richard Castle. So many times in the last couple of months she would seemingly go somewhere in her mind, and on the rare occasion that he caught her off guard, she told him she was thinking of her partner.

Yet she wouldn't call him, nor did she allow him to call. Kate even threatened Jim that she would go back to the hospital or convalescent facility if he called Castle. And so Jim quietly watched his daughter and silently cried for her. He knew from simply looking at her how much she loved Castle, and Jim knew from his actions at Montgomery's funeral and the hospital, that Castle was completely in love with Kate.

He quietly turned back to the eggs and started beating them, and was surprised when Kate handed him a bag of ground up parmesan cheese. "Castle made me eggs once with it," she replied to his unasked question.

He nodded his head and added a few spoonful's of cheese to the eggs and noticed that she was someplace else again…someplace where Castle was with her again. Inside his heart was breaking for his girl. She was in love with Castle and didn't realize it.

He stopped stirring in the cheese and started to pour the eggs on the hot pan and it hit him that she did realize she was in love with Castle. She did realize it and…she knew that he loved her as well. He turned to look at her profile and saw a faint smile on her face, and that clinched it for him, she definitely was thinking of Castle, he seemed to be the only thing that could make her smile since they got here.

He turned back to stir the eggs and placed the sausage on the fry pan and said, "Penny for your thoughts."

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her smile widen and she said, "I remembered the time we had to investigate Lady Irena's House of Pain. I was able to tease Castle unmercifully…" she paused a moment and added, "You should have seen the look on his face when I made an appointment and told the receptionist 'my boyfriend Ricky has been a very bad, bad boy'."

Jim laughed as he turned over the sausage and saw a full blown smile appear on Kate's face. He knew what she was doing was wrong, that she needed to call Castle and let him know how she was and where she was. He'd seen the messages she deleted on her phone every morning, and he knew that her friends were worried about her.

The smile was still on her face as he put the eggs and sausage on the plate and handed it to her. "Here you go Katie," he said and she looked down at it in surprise, having forgotten all that was going on around her while she relived a happy memory.

She nodded her head, thanked him, slowly walked to the table and sat down. Before she had the chance to get up again he placed a napkin and fork by the plate and told her he would finish pouring the coffee she'd made.

A minute later, they were both eating and Kate was sipping her coffee, with that far away look still on her face. Jim studied his daughter and continued to worry about her. She was healing faster than he'd dare hoped she would, but only physically. He knew she desperately needed Castle in her life but steadfastly refused to call.

Jim sighed to himself and took another sip of his coffee. He worried constantly about Kate, and he wished so much that he could just take away all that happened and put it upon himself. For all he did for her, and all he worried for her, he also knew that it was Richard Castle who was really helping his little girl heal.

Kate finished her breakfast and said, "I think I'll sit on the porch and read a bit Dad," before she got up from the table, put her plate in the sink and went to get the Derrick Storm novel she was reading. Other than a few clothes, Castle's books were the only things she brought up to the cabin.

He finished his own breakfast, went to the sink to wash the dishes and saw her sitting on the swing, looking at his photo on the back of the book.

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**AUTHORS NOTE: Ok, I admit the song when written did not apply to Father / Daughter, but the verse does accurately describe the feeling I wanted to explore when I wrote this, which I hope I conveyed. Oh yes, no more Josh, we're moving forward here, not backward.**


	4. Chapter 4, I'll Follow the Sun

Beatles 65

by RGoodfellow64

Chapter 4, I'll Follow the Sun

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Disclaimer: Just look at Chapter 1 please; everything you've ever wanted to know but were afraid to ask about my disclaimer is there.

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_**One day, you'll look / To see I've gone…**_

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Everything was different now. Everything had changed. Everything was just…wrong. Wrong on so many levels.

Their Captain was gone. Kate was shot and now she was gone. Gone and evidently not caring whether her friends knew she was ok or not. And now Castle was gone too. Kicked out of the precinct by the new captain, a hard-nosed, no nonsense uncaring and unfeeling bi…she had to stop thinking like that.

Lanie sighed and put her head on her hands and just stared at the top of her desk. Castle, Ryan and Javier had worked almost twenty-four hours a day trying to find who shot Kate. Castle ran himself ragged and after a couple of weeks looked like he was the one who had been shot. But he kept on working. He worked so hard, and he worked so professionally that there wasn't a single person in the Homicide division of the 12th who didn't think he belonged there, unless you count Captain Gates.

Lanie sighed again. Evidently Gates was one of those people who had to make changes to prove that they are relevant. That _they_ are in charge and know what they are doing, so the first thing she did was stop the investigation into Kate's shooting and then kick Castle to the curb. Not so much as a thank you, just get out of my precinct and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Lanie picked up her phone again and thought about calling Kate. She knew the calls were going through, since Javier had Ryan test the signal and pulled Kate's phone records. Sure, it was illegal, but they needed to know what was happening and Kate simply disappeared off the planet!

The one person who never called was Castle. He kept saying that she would call him, and he seemed ok with that in the beginning, but as the days and weeks went by with no contact, you could see him literally fold in on himself as he wasted away. His shoulders slumped, he hardly took care of his appearance any more, and his eyes looked hollow and desperate.

She knew that he and the boys were still working on Kate's shooting, even though they denied it. They met several times a week at the Old Haunt, supposedly for a beer but they were always huddled close together, whispering, casting furtive glances all around the bar to make sure no one was listening. Because the Old Haunt had become more than a writer's bar, as Castle had wanted, it was also a cop bar and there were always members of the 12th there every night.

More times that she could count she'd walk in and see them all hunched over the table looking at something…something that would miraculously disappear by the time she got to their booth.

Yesterday marked the three month anniversary, if that's what you wanted to call it, of Montgomery's funeral, and Kate's shooting, and no one, not one of them had heard from her since she and her father left in June, and it was affecting Castle more than the rest.

While all this was going on, he somehow managed to finish writing a book and it was coming out next month. There were plans being made for him to promote it, and she didn't know how he would, or how he could. He had lost weight, his eyes seemed to be in a chronic state of red, and he looked and sounded exhausted. Beyond exhausted really, almost catatonic the way he acted at times. But somehow he kept on going, for _her_. For Kate.

Lanie sighed and looked at the calendar on her wall; next month Kate was supposed to come back to work. Lanie had no idea what she'd find when she did. Esposito and Ryan were frustrated by the case and cowed by the new captain, and Castle…Castle was a mere shadow of himself and was fading away with each day that passed without word from Kate.

Lanie found herself becoming angry. Everyone has been affected by Kate's shooting, not just Kate, but here she was running away and hiding from them all as she recuperated. Lanie knew how Kate operated, how she never wanted anyone to see her vulnerable, see her weak or perceive her to be anything other than strong and in control.

In a way this was also Castle's fault, since the first book came out, Kate has felt that she has to be as strong as Nikki Heat, has to be able to handle anything and everything on her own. Nikki just helped exaggerate those feelings in Kate. Still, remembering how ghost-like he looked last night at the Old Haunt, Lanie couldn't blame Castle for Kate's problems, he seemed quite capable of doing that himself.

She still felt angry and before she knew it, she had written a text on her phone. Before she sent it however, she stopped to read it again. It was full of anger. It was full of hurt. It was full of the pain of missing a friend and Lanie felt she had to send it to Kate. That Kate should be fully aware of what she was doing, not only to her friends, but to the one man who probably cared for her more than all of them combined.

She took a breath and pressed the send button, watching as the text made its way to Kate's phone. Because of Ryan they all knew her phone was receiving the texts, they just didn't know if she was reading them, although Lanie had a strong suspicion that she was.

There was a commotion at the door and she saw a body being wheeled in. She sighed and put her phone back in her purse, then walked out the door. She had work to do. She couldn't spend all her time worrying about her missing friend, even though she knew that is exactly what she will do.

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**AUTHORS NOTE: The Summer is flying by and still no Kate. We all know that Kate hid from everyone, not just Castle, and I wanted to show that it had an affect on those around her. **


	5. Chapter 5, I'll Be Back, part 1

Beatles 65

by RGoodfellow64

Chapter 5, I'll Be Back, part 1

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Disclaimer: Now really, do you think after only four chapters things have changed? Disclaimer still at Chapter 1.

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_**You could find better things to do / Than to break my heart again**_

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The phone seemed glued to his ear and he finally had to interrupt, "Paula I said I'll be there and I will!"

There was a long pause as he listened and then he practically yelled, "I'll be there Paula! I swear if you don't stop harping on it I'll go somewhere else. Where? Vegas…no Paris, I'll go to Paris! What do you mean what for? For…for lunch, I'll go to Paris for lunch, and believe me Paula, I know it can be done."

He sighed and ran his hand through his unwashed hair, "Paula it went well enough, yeah well that's the best anyone's going to get, so live with it!" He disconnected the call before she could say anything else and put the phone back down on his desk, remembering the pre-release party that Paula mentioned. He thought it went ok but she said it was a disaster.

He was uncommunicative, she said. He stood apart with an angry look on his face to keep people away, she said. He looked sickly, as if he had a terrible disease, she said. He never smiled, she said. He never…she said, she said, she said! He was tired of hearing what she said! He was tired of waiting for a phone call that obviously was never going to come. He'd been an idiot, a fool, a pathetic excuse of a man by pining away for a woman who simply doesn't give a damn about him!

He looked down at Heat Rises and thought, "Oh Roy, I wish I'd never asked to follow her. You'd still be here, and I wouldn't be where I am.'

He stood up and walked into his bedroom, making his way to the master bath. Once there he stopped in shock. Was that him? Was that Richard Castle? He walked up to the mirror and took a look at the pale, unshaven face before him. His eyes didn't even look blue any more, they looked a sickly shade of grey…no, blue grey, but still they looked empty.

'Oh my God,' he thought, 'is this what I've subjected Alexis to all these weeks?' He turned his head from side to side and was shocked at what he saw, at what she had reduced him too.

He thought of the funeral when he saw the flash, trying to get to her in time and falling to the ground with her. He remembered his words, how he opened his heart to her, how he let her know finally what he'd been so afraid to speak before. But it always ended with her eyes closing and her being taken away.

He looked down at his hands and saw the blood, so much blood, so much that he still felt the need to wash his hands several times a day, just to make sure they were really clean. Then he remembered the hours spent at the station trying to find her shooter, all that time put in to help her and then the words, those wonderful, wonderful words from Jim, that she was awake, that she was talking and that he could come up to see her.

He looked at his reflection in the mirror and cringed. This was not the man who so joyously ran to see her. This was not the man who could hardly contain his smile at the mere thought of seeing her, and when he did, Josh was there. Holding her hand. Gently moving the hair from her eyes. Caressing her and claiming her, while he stood in the door awkwardly with a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

Then the words. She didn't remember. She thought it was good that she didn't recall what happened to her. Then she blamed him for Montgomery's death, said he should have let her fight it out with him. Inferred that Montgomery would still be alive if she had been there. She was still falling down that rabbit hole and had no intention of ever coming back out again.

She said she was tired, and only a few minutes after he arrived she summarily dismissed him. Then the clincher, 'I'll call you.' He snorted, as he looked at himself in the mirror, when had he last washed his hair? "I'll call you," he whispered to himself. How many times had he used the same line after a particularly bad date?

He stood up a bit straighter and took in his appearance again. "I'll call you," he said, this time a bit louder. He looked at himself and felt something start in his belly and work its way up till his lip snarled. "I'll call you!" he yelled at his reflection and then he answered himself saying, "Like hell you will!"

He was angry. Angry at himself and angry at her for leading him on. All these weeks he never once picked up the phone to call her or text her, not once! Waiting, always waiting and for what? She was probably too busy being brought back to health by Josh.

That was the thought that brought him over the edge and he seethed as he viewed himself in the mirror. She was getting better, she probably had to learn to do all sorts of things again, and slowly exercise to bring herself to strength, and all the time Josh was there to hold her hand. To steady her step, to hold her and keep her from falling…to be there loving her while she ignored him.

Suddenly words came back to him. Angry, biting words. "You know what we are Castle? We are over!"

When he heard those words again the flame of anger suddenly was snuffed out, leaving him cold. How foolish it was of him to think her words at the funeral, about being lucky to have someone stand with you, were meant for him. They were for Montgomery and the look she gave him was to let him know that she knew _he_ was responsible for Montgomery's death. That if he hadn't stopped her Montgomery would be alive. That's what the look was for.

He shook his head again and thought how pathetic he was. 'I've been used,' he thought. 'Used and thrown away.' All his life he swore he would never use anyone as a toy, never treat a person like a thing. He also swore he would never allow another woman to use him the way Kyra did and what did he do? He walked with eyes wide open over the cliff that Kate Beckett led him to.

The anger was still there, but now it was focused, he was angry at himself for what he allowed her to do to him. For what he had allowed himself to become. Well it ended here and now!

Rick immediately started tearing the clothes off his body as he also turned on his shower. When he stepped into the hot shower he could actually feel it rejuvenate him, could feel life start to flow through his body again.

As he washed, he started to remember all that had happened while he was in his fog, his Beckett fog. The worry and fear in the eyes of his mother and daughter. 'Oh Alexis,' he thought, "I am so, so sorry.'

After he finished his shower, he took the time to carefully shave and put himself back to order. A little over an hour after he'd walked into his bath, he stepped out again, but the change was dramatic, he was Richard Castle, he was no one's lapdog and he was damned if he would put his life on hold any longer for her.

He noticed the time and knew that Alexis and his mother would be arriving in about forty minutes from the studio. He confidently walked to the kitchen and saw the mess he'd left for himself. Rolling up his sleeves, he started to clean up while he thought of what he would make them for dinner.

He was still angry, and that anger helped fuel his desire to get back on his feet. To be the father and the son his daughter and mother deserved. The man who had vacated his positions was back, and he had no intention of every falling away again.

As he started making dinner, he also started making plans for himself. He would call Paula later tonight to go over the schedule she'd made and even have her add a few more events.

Kate Beckett may have played him for a fool, but he wasn't going to be played any more. He may have been hidden for awhile, but Richard Castle was still here, and he'd be damned if he would allow her to put him in a box again. As his mother had said, he had twenty-three best sellers before he met her and he'll have at least that many more now that she's gone.

Since she was done with him, he was done with her. He smiled coldly as that thought came to him. He was done with Kate Beckett and after one more book, done with Nikki Heat as well.

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**AUTHORS NOTE: Put yourself in his place. He has no idea that Josh is gone, he only knows that he waited for her to call when, from his experience, she never had any intention of doing so. That's in his mind, not hers, he has no idea what's happening to Kate. In his mind, they were over and this was her way of telling him. **

**I have to be honest that putting myself in Castle's shoes to write, I had to tone this chapter down. Way down. It's not fun being played and it's not fun being used, and you get angry at yourself for falling into the trap, and only later do you truly begin to get angry at the person who did that to you.**


	6. Chapter 6, I'll Be Back, part 2

Beatles 65

by RGoodfellow64

Chapter 6, I'll Be Back, part 2

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Disclaimer: Ok, once again, not mine. None of it, except all the words written below _not_ by Lennon and McCartney

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_**This time, I will try to show that I'm / Not trying to pretend**_

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'Press the button Kate, just press the damn button!' The moment she thought the words, she flicked her hand over the screen and his name disappeared. That was the fourth time in just this morning that she had tried to call him.

She had been trying to call him when she was at her dad's place in the city and every day since she came here to the cabin.

Every.

Single.

Day.

No matter when it was, no matter how much she needed to speak to him, every time she tried to call him she didn't. Her heart needed him so much, so very much, but her mind, her stupid, uptight, rigid mind just won't let her.

She wasn't about to hit her head with her hand again, it scared her father when he caught her so angry at herself, but she sure wanted to, again and again and again. What was it with her mind that refused to listen to the rest of her? Maybe that therapist the department told her to see can help her there? She shook her head no. She'd been in therapy before and knew the routine, just act like you're fine, don't let them rattle you, and you get a clean bill of health.

A clean bill of health, yeah, right. She's so messed up she can't even call the man who loves her.

He loves her.

Richard Castle loves her.

She's read every book her father brought from her apartment and even the couple she'd forgotten were at his place, and she'd stared at his photo on the back of every one.

It's the Nikki Heat books though, the photo of him on them that she stares at the most, because that's _her_ Richard Castle. The earlier photos are the one who belonged to Meredith or Gina, but the Nikki Heat Castle photos, they belong to her.

Because he loves her, and that was really the only reason she had to continue to fight. The bullet took so much out of her, but Castle…Rick…Castle was why she never gave up, why she fights as much as she does to get well, because he deserves so much more than a broken woman.

That bullet took more from her than she ever dreamed. She turned from the porch and walked to her bedroom, closing the door behind her and making sure the blinds were closed. Turning on the light on the dresser, she slowly took off her shirt and then took off the tee shirt she wore underneath.

She had forced herself to raise her arms despite the pain, in the beginning horrendous pain, but she fought against it, because each little victory brought her that much closer to Castle. To being able to face him as Kate Beckett, not this broken thing the sniper made of her.

She removed her bra and looked at the scar on her chest. Then she turned and looked at the one on her side. Unbidden, tears began to fall and she again wallowed in the 'why's' and 'what if's' that her life had become.

No matter how much she healed herself, no matter how much therapy the department demanded of her, nothing, absolutely nothing will ever be able to erase the scars that the bullet and resulting operation caused.

She had dreamed of being with him, of his hands roaming her body, of those wonderful kisses they shared that one night sneaking up on Lockwood. She dreamed of those kisses all over her body, of his exploration and…and looking at herself through the tears she wondered how any man would ever want to touch her, to look at her, at her scarred, ugly body.

She'd wasted the time. All that time trying to prove that she wasn't wrong to be with Josh was a waste. She finally understood that when Josh continued to argue with her about Castle. When she first woke up and became aware after her shooting, still groggy from the drugs they'd given her, and then every day after whenever he stopped to see her. She became tired of it, and even more, tired of him until she finally told Josh to simply leave and not come back.

She never told Josh she would call him, but she did tell Castle. Yet she still hasn't called and still can't. Something holds her back and she wonders if the scars on her body mimic the scars on her heart, on her mind, on her soul.

She looked down on the dresser to his book and gazed at his photo on the back cover. "He deserves so much more than me," she whispered to herself, "but I love him too. I love him so much and have for a long time." Then she thought of all the times she could have been with Castle but instead went with Josh, even thinking that his decision to stay and not go to Haiti gave them a chance when she already knew he had none. It was always Castle and she somehow always knew it.

What kind of a woman does that to a man? Two men!

Then there were the walls. The walls it has taken her years to acknowledge even existed, but they do. The walls she wrapped around herself when her mother died. Her mother.

That was the biggest wall of all. How can she deserve to be happy? How can she deserve to be loved when her mother was dead and no one else wanted to know why? When the person who ordered her death was still walking free while she was a prisoner.

The earlier fears she felt towards Castle, those are gone. He said 'Always', and he has shown that he meant it. No other man would do what he did. No other man she's ever known supported her, helped her and even loved her the way Castle…Rick has.

Richard Castle loves her and though she still has a hard time admitting it, she loves him too. She wants what he said she deserves that night in her apartment. That night he…

Those words she said to him. Those horrible, hateful words and yet he stayed. He stayed and proved he will be there for her. "Always," she whispered to herself, he said it and he meant it and she wants it. Wants it so bad that it hurts more than the scars on her body. More than the bullet that almost killed her. More than all the pain she has caused him over the years.

She reached in her pocket and pulled out her phone to call him. To let him know she feels the same way he does. To tell him that she needs him, desperately needs him in her life. But like always, when his number came on the screen, she simply stopped. Why was it so hard to put her thumb on the call button and speak to him? Why?

She looked at herself in the mirror and cringed at the scars, wondering if once he saw them he could ever look at her the same way again. If he could ever love her…but he said he would, he said 'Always,' and he meant it.

Feeling too broken to talk to anyone, she flicked her hand across the screen and his name disappeared again. The fifth time just this morning.

She slowly dressed herself again and walked out to the kitchen, staring at his photo on the back of 'Naked Heat'. 'Maybe after lunch I'll feel better,' she thought to herself. She'll call him then.

Softly, knowing no one was there but her, but still hesitant, she spoke out loud the words she'd only thought before.

She smiled back at the photo and said, "I love you too Rick. I love you too, and I'll prove it to you soon."

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**AUTHORS NOTE: This chapter takes place the same day as chapter 5. Why didn't she call him? What really held her back? I guess that still is in the mind of Andrew Marlow, but I think the scars she carries, both physical and emotional, held her back. She may have had a small scar or two before, but now she has a terrible scar along her side and probably even more damaging, the one on her chest. These helped to compound the emotional ones she was already carrying.**

**Just another observation, after re-reading I noticed that Kate seems to be all over the place here emotionally. When I said that to my muse her response was, "Yeah…and your point is?" Because that _is_ how I see her during those three months, an emotional basket case, flipping from one reason to another but all leading to the same conclusion…not calling Castle.**


	7. Chapter 7, I'll Be Back, part 3

Beatles 65

by RGoodfellow64

Chapter 7, I'll Be Back, part 3

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Disclaimer: Not even going to imagine owning anything but my own words. Check chapter 1 for details.

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_**I'm the one who wants you / Yes I'm the one who wants you…**_

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"Kate. You can make it out to Kate."

His eyes were cold. They looked like he didn't care, but also that he did care. Maybe it was because he looked so tired. Bone tired. The kind of tired that never lets you sleep. She could understand that, she felt that type of tired all the time.

She had been debating with herself since she found out yesterday that he wasn't at the precinct any more, and that he would be doing a book signing today. Do I just walk up and act as if nothing happened? Do I call him first? Do I show up at his apartment? What do I do?

She could see he was trying to look like himself, and this might work for most people, but she knew him better than anyone else, at least she thought she did, and he wasn't just exhausted physically, he was completely drained emotionally. There was no light in his eyes. There was no life in his eyes.

However, there was anger. There was sadness. There was hurt, and for a brief moment, relief and happiness showed through. But only for a moment. If she hadn't been staring at him with such hope herself she never would have seen it.

He looked down at the book in his hands and wrote on the cover, 'To Kate. Rick Castle.' Then handed it back to her saying, "Thank you for coming."

She opened her mouth to say something…what, she didn't know, but anything to speak to him but he looked around her and said, "Next." Completely dismissing her.

She was shocked. She was hurt. This was not how she expected this meeting to go but then as she slowly walked away from him, she understood that she never had any real expectations other than wanting to see him.

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"Kate. You can make it out to Kate."

He looked up and couldn't believe it was actually her, and for a moment, just a single moment, he simply was happy to see her. That changed almost instantly.

'You can make it out to Kate?' he thought to himself. What does she want with him? Hasn't she hurt him enough? Hasn't she done enough to prove to him that she doesn't want him? That she doesn't need him? That he is nothing to her?

He barely looked at her face as he took in the fact that she was actually there and looking like she was fully healed. His eyes narrowed as thought came, thinking again how Josh had taken care of her in her time of need.

Without another word, he simply signed the book in the most generic way possible, and handed it back to her. "Thank you for coming," he said and looked behind her to the next person in line.

She stood there for another few seconds and he looked up at her again. Seeing the look of confusion and hurt on her face, he steeled himself to keep from letting her get to him again, purposely looked around her and said, "Next."

After a false start, she turned and walked away. As she did, he let out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding, and then concentrated on the woman in front of him. He was not going to think about Beckett again. He was not going to allow her to ruin his time with his fans. He hoped that she got the message and left, and looking up past the woman who was gushing how much she loved his books, he saw that Beckett had exited the store.

He sighed again, gave the woman a brief yet unfelt smile, and handed her book back. He then turned to the next in line and called, "Next." The afternoon was going to be longer than he'd originally thought, yet at the same time, he was glad he was here, and not having to face her.

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That was _not_ the way she planned it at all! Nothing went the way she thought it would. She would smile at him and he would smile back at her, happy to see her again and ready to be her partner. She was still shocked at the way he behaved, at the way he simply dismissed her, almost as if he'd dismissed her from his life.

'No, that's not possible,' she thought to herself. He wouldn't do that. He couldn't do that. He said 'Always' and he said he loved me.

Still, she walked away with no idea where she wanted to go, yet had the presence of mind to ask the young man at the counter when the signing was scheduled to end. She had two more hours to wait. Two hours. She could do that. She could do that easily. She would wait for him and talk to him when there weren't people all around.

She would do this. _They_ would do this. She walked out of the store and seeing the line of people waiting to have their books signed to her left, she turned to the right and leaned up against the side of the building. She would wait here away from the crowd, and when he came out, they would talk. They had to talk. She needed them to talk.

Kate put her head back against the cement wall and sighed. She was such a mess.

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He kept looking for her, not in an obvious way, but his eyes searched the store as he continued to sign books. He didn't see her anywhere around and felt torn. Part of him wanted her to be there, waiting for him. Part of him needed to know she cared enough to do that, and yet the other part was feeling vindicated. She proved that she didn't care by not staying, by not trying harder to talk to him. By not staying right here in front of him where she could let him know he was important to her.

The vindication won out as he felt she probably snuck away from Josh to come here, and didn't have the courage to tell him to his face, so she just ran and hid again. That had to be it. You don't do these things; play these kinds of games when you really care about another person.

He quietly sighed to himself. Paula was happy that he added these extra signings, and was thrilled that he was making an effort to be upbeat for his fans…but he still felt hurt and betrayed.

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She heard his voice at first and her heart stuttered. He was coming out now, the signing was over and now it was finally going to happen. Now she was finally going to talk to him, let him know, make him understand. And then, in the corner of her eye he was there, shaking hands, being the outgoing, extroverted and friendly man she knew him to be. Caring of others, and making sure they knew he appreciated them.

She felt his movement stop the second he saw her, but then felt a chill as he paused a moment then hurried on past her.

He was walking away! He was almost running away. She couldn't let this happen; she couldn't let him go like this. "Castle, wait!"

But he just kept on walking. "I did. Three Months. You never called." She couldn't believe how cold his voice was.

"Look, I know you're angry…"

He stopped. He stopped! Thank God, he stopped. "Oh you're damn right, I'm angry!"

She just talked. She didn't know what she said, she just responded to his words and his anger. She did remember him spitting out Josh's name and she wondered why. She hadn't seen him in months. Not realizing how annoyed she sounded, she told him that she and Josh broke up.

She had no idea how they got there, but they were sitting on swings and talking.

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"Oh you're damn right, I'm angry!"

He turned around and faced her, his anger bubbling up and unable to be contained. "I watched you die in that ambulance. Did you know that? Do you know what that's like? Watching the life drain out of someone you…"

Damn! He almost said 'Love', and he can't go there now. Not now when he's so angry with her, not now when he suspects that she actually did hear him that day. Not now when he's finally settled on realizing that she doesn't want him the way he wants her.

"…someone you care about?" he said instead.

Kate looked at him as if she knew what he was originally going to say, "I told you I needed some time."

'Oh good', he thought, the anger is back again. "You said a few days."

"I needed more."

Just what his anger needed to hear. Pouring gasoline on a raging fire wouldn't have as much effect on him as those words. Preparing to walk away again, he spit out, "Well you should have said that."

As he walked away from her she spoke and it made him stop. Why? Why didn't't he just go, walk away…run away if that's what it takes? What it takes to get away from her? Yet even as he questioned his actions, he knew that no matter how hard he tried, he can't truly walk away from her till he _knows_. Till he _understands_. Till he is aware of everything, and every reason why she simply disappeared from his life.

He has no idea how they got there, but they are sitting on swings and talking.

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**AUTHORS NOTE: As this scene progressed when I watched Rise, I thought of how different they both were. She seemed to expect one thing from him and he seemed to want more from her…that she still didn't give him. Even though he is the author, it was her use of words that turned him around, and I wanted to show the emotions behind those words, behind those actions.**


	8. Chapter 8, She's a Woman

Beatles 65

by RGoodfellow64

Chapter 8, She's A Woman

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Disclaimer: Nope, not saying it again. Go back and look at the first chapter to see how much I don't own.

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_**People tell me that she's only foolin'…**_

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She was so angry that she slammed the door. Well she tried to slam the door but when he was married to Gina he got tired of _her_ slamming the doors whenever they argued and had new ones installed that closed softly. No matter how hard she tried, there were no doors in their home that would slam.

That angered her even more.

How can he be going back to that…that…Alexis couldn't even get a word out to describe how angry she was at Beckett. No longer Detective Beckett, oh no. There is no more respect in her for _that_ woman! Not after what she did to her father.

He was going to go back to her! He was going back to the precinct where people could go after Beckett and shoot her! And maybe this time he'd be the one in the sights of the sniper, not Beckett.

Beckett! The very name was an obscenity to her. She used to look up to the detective. She used to trust the detective. She used to…care for the detective and wished that she would see her father for the wonderful man he really is.

Yet all she did was string him along. Held on to her doctor boyfriend, the same no good bas…no, she wasn't going to go there, but she really wished she got one good hit on him when he pushed her dad.

Just who did he think he was, pushing her father like that? What kind of a stupid, Neanderthal was he anyway, and what on earth did Beckett see in him? _She_ wouldn't give him a second glance, and compared to her father Beckett's _boyfriend_ was nothing.

Alexis sat in her room seething. She told her dad to stay away from Beckett. That she was only going to hurt him again. That Beckett was only using him, just as she did before. That she didn't care for him and could never love him the way he wanted.

She remembered the shocked look on his face when she told him that. Did he think she couldn't see? He wore his heart on his sleeve and Alexis doubted that anyone who knew them both, didn't know that Richard Castle was in love with Kate Beckett. If no one else did see that, Alexis knew that Beckett did. There was no way she could not know it.

Alexis watched as his hope dwindled day after day after day as the summer dragged on. Each day added to the list of days she never called seemed to also take some weight off him. She watched her dad waste away and stop caring for himself and even for her. He forced her to go to the Hamptons with her grandmother but after only a few weeks she came back and refused to leave him.

The change she saw in him when she returned was frightening. His face looked pasty, his features gaunt and he looked sickly. Exhaustion seemed to be one of his constant companions and she would find herself getting up at night to see if he was sleeping, only to hear him typing on the laptop.

Working at the precinct during the day, at least until the new Captain kicked him out, and working on the book at night left him so much less than she ever imagined. As the days turned into weeks with no word from Beckett he seemed to simply give up till finally, last month something happened and he started to take care of himself again.

He started to eat, wash, and live. He seemed to be starting to live again and she was so happy to see that and then Beckett showed up at that signing and now he was with her again.

"_She's using you Dad, can't you see that? She needs you around to make herself look good. She builds herself up by putting you down and you refuse to see that! You refuse to see her for what she is! She left you hanging Dad! She walked out of your life and didn't give a damn about you at all. Everything was and is about her and her needs and wants and she doesn't even care that you could have been killed standing next to her!"_

Recalling how the argument ended, with her father angry and telling her to leave it alone, Alexis closed her eyes and tried to stop the tears from falling. She was going to lose her father. Not to someone who loves him and wants to be with him, and not even to someone who only wants to use him to further their career, like Gina.

No, she was going to lose her father to a selfish, unfeeling and uncaring woman who only knows how to take. She wasn't going to lose just a little bit of him, she was going to lose all of him, because Kate Beckett was going to get him killed.

Because of Beckett he was going to die and there was nothing she could do about it. She was his daughter but now felt like an outsider.

Suddenly she thought of Ashley. How can she go to Stanford knowing that her father was going to be hurt again? If by some miracle he wasn't hurt physically, she knew…she knew that Beckett was going to crush him again emotionally.

How could Beckett do that to her father? What kind of a person does that to another, not just once but over and over? Just the thought of Beckett being around her dad made her feel sick. Physically sick.

She laid her head on her pillow and cried, muffling the sounds with the pillow and let out all the hurt, anger, frustration and pain she felt for her father and herself. "Oh, Daddy," she quietly spoke into the pillow. Or maybe it was a prayer.

Playing a cop, following real ones on their cases was fun for a while, but last year someone tried to blow her up and she stayed with them for a bit…just before she went out of her way to hurt him. And now he has to protect her, take care of her, well what about his family? He didn't do much to take care of us this summer, it's only been in the last few weeks that he's tried and now he's just going to stop caring for us while he takes care of Beckett. _Beckett_.

Slowly the tears stopped falling. She'll have to speak to him again. She can't stay angry with him, not when she knows he will need her when it all goes sour again. Because it will. It always does with Beckett.

It was only a matter of time.

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**AUTHORS NOTE: The one person who really got short changed in Rise I believe was Alexis. Although she had her parts and they were good ones, I thought that the pain and frustration she felt because of Beckett didn't come out as forcefully as it could have. This is a girl becoming a woman. She's in that in-between state that can be confusing, exciting and scary all at once, who loves her father dearly and watched as he deteriorated before her eyes over the summer…all because of Kate. She is fiercely loyal to him and will do anything for him…except forgive Kate Beckett. No one treats her father that way. No one.**

**That's all folks, unfortunately the last Lennon / McCartney song doesn't have a line that goes along with what happened that summer…it's actually more in line with the Season 5 opener…I hope. I keep away from spoilers so I'll find out on Sept. 24th. Thanks to all who read and reviewed, it is very much appreciated, as are all of you. **


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